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  #511  
Old 08-14-2009, 07:50 PM
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rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold
Talking Learning Alfabet The Punjabi Way!

> A is for Aiscreame
>
> B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt.
> It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or
> block, or shop or whatever.
>
> C is for Cloney and its not a process for replicating
> sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area
> where people live e.g. 'Defence Cloney'.
>
> D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'
>
> E is for Expanditure, the spending of money
>
> F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word
> it is actually just the front of a building
>
> G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi
> puts any F1 driver to shame.
>
> H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear
> that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably
> sure it's not going to happen.
>
> I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.
>
> J is for Jutt, which
> every Punjabi seems to be.
>
> K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of
> the Joneses
> (e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')
>
> L is for Loin, the king of the jungle
>
> M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire
> generation of Punjabis were in love with.
>
> N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that
> works see H.
>
> O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting
> (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).
>
> P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or
> far(100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll
> reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).
>
> Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslatable into
> Punjabi - does not exist in the culture.
>
> R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one
> (risk), even if the odds are against him.
>
> S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own
> half the cars in Delhi .
>
> T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori
> Chickun.
>
> U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become
> 'Uncul-ji'
>
> V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 2 lakhs and counting.
>
> W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'
>
> X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi
> conversations.
>
> Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces
> vocabulary in a shouting match.
>
> Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to
> the fullest.
>
>
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  #512  
Old 08-14-2009, 07:52 PM
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rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold
Wink some Dilbert's one liners..:

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else
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  #513  
Old 08-14-2009, 07:54 PM
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rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold
Talking French Humor...

An elderly man was walking through the French
countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day,
when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple
making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to
himself:
"Ah,young love...
ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers...
C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch,
remembering the good old day's that he'd once
enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said:
"Mais... Sacre bleu!
Ze woman, she is dead!,"
before heading off as fast as he could to the
town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath,
and shouted:
"Jean...Jean...zere is zis man,
zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field
making love."

The police chief smiled and said:
"Come, come, Henri you are not so old;
remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air,
ze flowers?
Ah,L'amour!
Zis is OK."

"Mais non!
You do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat,
rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-
bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed
Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back
(non-stop) to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed:
"Pierre, Pierre, ...this is Jean,
I was in Gaston's field;
zere is a young couple naked having sex "

To which Pierre replied,
"Jean, I am a man of science.
You must remember...
it's spring, ze air, ze flowers,
Ah, L'amour!
Zis is very natural.

"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply:
"NON, you do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed:
"Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag;
stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and
other instruments;
jumped in his car;
and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he
drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were
waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently,
and said:
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry.
Ze woman, she is not dead,

..... she is British"
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  #514  
Old 08-14-2009, 07:57 PM
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rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold
Wink Complaining about wife...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don' t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put o n this earth to help each other.


Sincerely, Jeff



EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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  #515  
Old 08-28-2009, 12:03 PM
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praveenuppaluri has much to be proud of praveenuppaluri has much to be proud of praveenuppaluri has much to be proud of praveenuppaluri has much to be proud of praveenuppaluri has much to be proud of praveenuppaluri has much to be proud of praveenuppaluri has much to be proud of praveenuppaluri has much to be proud of praveenuppaluri has much to be proud of
Talking thats W

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
__________________
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http://groups.google.com/group/goivgaiv?hl=en
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  #516  
Old 08-28-2009, 12:10 PM
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rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold
Talking saving a life red neck style...



Two hillbillies walk into a bar.



While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.



One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.



His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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  #517  
Old 08-28-2009, 02:19 PM
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cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute
Default sure it is

Good one dude.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ItIsNotFunny View Post
The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store
ONLY ONCE !


There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -
These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 -
These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -
These men have jobs, love the Lord, love k! ids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 -
You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
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  #518  
Old 09-01-2009, 12:23 PM
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Default

The feet said, "We should be the Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be Boss, any asshole will do!
__________________
GO I/WE GO. TOGETHER WE CAN.
JOIN NEW ENGLAND CHAPTER (MA, ME, VT, RI, NH)
JOIN STATE CHAPTERS
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  #519  
Old 09-01-2009, 06:13 PM
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cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute cbpds has a reputation beyond repute
Default did not get it

I did not get it
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry.
Ze woman, she is not dead,

..... she is British" ???



Quote:
Originally Posted by rsdang1 View Post
An elderly man was walking through the French
countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day,
when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple
making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to
himself:
"Ah,young love...
ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers...
C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch,
remembering the good old day's that he'd once
enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said:
"Mais... Sacre bleu!
Ze woman, she is dead!,"
before heading off as fast as he could to the
town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath,
and shouted:
"Jean...Jean...zere is zis man,
zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field
making love."

The police chief smiled and said:
"Come, come, Henri you are not so old;
remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air,
ze flowers?
Ah,L'amour!
Zis is OK."

"Mais non!
You do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat,
rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-
bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed
Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back
(non-stop) to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed:
"Pierre, Pierre, ...this is Jean,
I was in Gaston's field;
zere is a young couple naked having sex "

To which Pierre replied,
"Jean, I am a man of science.
You must remember...
it's spring, ze air, ze flowers,
Ah, L'amour!
Zis is very natural.

"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply:
"NON, you do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed:
"Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag;
stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and
other instruments;
jumped in his car;
and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he
drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were
waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently,
and said:
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry.
Ze woman, she is not dead,

..... she is British"
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  #520  
Old 09-02-2009, 02:59 AM
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meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute meridiani.planum has a reputation beyond repute
Default having to explain the punchline pretty much destorys the joke, so apologies..

Quote:
Originally Posted by cbpds View Post
I did not get it
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry.
Ze woman, she is not dead,

..... she is British" ???
there is a stereotype (much like blondes being dumb) that british women make love with the same passion as a photo-copy machine makes copies: mechanical, restrained, just going through the motions...
the joke was a play on that: the woman is so aloof while making love that she has to either be dead or british.
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  #521  
Old 09-02-2009, 11:12 AM
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IL_Guy is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Ordering a Pizza in 2012 the Obama Way

Want to know how to order a pizza in 2012? Click the link and see.

Turn up the volume, listen closely and watch the pointer!

http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf
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  #522  
Old 09-02-2009, 12:45 PM
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by akhilmahajan View Post
The feet said, "We should be the Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be Boss, any asshole will do!

Are you saying that anyplace with no assholes are just full of shit? You need atleast someplace to let it go -
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  #523  
Old 09-03-2009, 11:25 AM
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rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold
Thumbs up English Vs. German



The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).



In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".

Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.



Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.



In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.



By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".



During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place. Sieg Heil!"
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  #524  
Old 09-18-2009, 01:16 PM
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clairvoyance is a name known to all clairvoyance is a name known to all clairvoyance is a name known to all clairvoyance is a name known to all clairvoyance is a name known to all clairvoyance is a name known to all
Default Cool Grandpa!

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart everywhere, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve and I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home."

Last edited by clairvoyance; 11-09-2009 at 05:47 PM.
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  #525  
Old 10-19-2009, 12:47 PM
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rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold rsdang1 is a splendid one to behold
Lightbulb American - Indian Ramayan

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it... " So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so... he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok...

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., thatwas the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

The mother fainted...
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