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  #481  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:34 PM
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Default

A LAWYER IN HEAVEN?

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request."
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.
In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty.
Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?"

THE PASTOR'S ASS

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had
it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried
this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the
local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines
read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.


SPINSTER SISTER

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Well, then send the bill to my brother-in-law."


LOOSE LIVING AND CHEAP WOMEN

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

ASHCROFT

General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school in late 2003. After the typical civics presentation to the class, he announces, "All right, boys and girls, you can all ask me questions now."
A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama bin Laden yet?"
Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again. Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions."
A young girl named Charlene raises her hand and says, "I have five questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama bin Laden yet?
4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?

SERVICE....

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service ......." The act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Telephone Service, Civil Service, City/County Public Service, Customer Service, Service Stations. And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are really doing to us.
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  #482  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:37 PM
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Default Can this be true guys?

Quote:
Originally Posted by gapala View Post
Here is an opportunity guys... live a free life right in the middle of america. Enjoy the same facilities and infrastructure and quality of life... Get paid in a currency backed by gold or silver (no more tissue) PAY NO TAXES... Yes! Republic of Lakotah! Have you heard about this? MSM supressed this development. Do a google search and you will see all about this country... Can high skilled workout a deal with natives?

As obama plans to increase taxes on service indusrty and the global companies... Lakotah might potentially attract the businesses such software gaints in no tax land.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Republic_of_Lakotah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_inTX79NIY

http://censored-news.blogspot.com/20...ect-email.html

Not sure whether this is a cruel joke... hey! sounds interesting. (Do not shower reds on me for this....)
Video is interesting....
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Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding -Mahatma Gandhi
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  #483  
Old 05-10-2009, 01:31 AM
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Default

This is the best ever South Park. You got to be kidding me if you don't enjoy this one.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/220760

Good stuff!


.
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- One Great man to another, 1814
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  #484  
Old 05-11-2009, 04:24 PM
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sanju View Post
This is the best ever South Park. You got to be kidding me if you don't enjoy this one.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/220760

Good stuff!


.
Nice one.
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  #485  
Old 05-14-2009, 04:58 AM
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sk2006 is infamous around these parts sk2006 is infamous around these parts sk2006 is infamous around these parts sk2006 is infamous around these parts sk2006 is infamous around these parts sk2006 is infamous around these parts sk2006 is infamous around these parts
Default Confessional booth!

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”
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  #486  
Old 05-14-2009, 02:09 PM
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Default Good one

Quote:
Originally Posted by sk2006 View Post
After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”
After a long time, I heard a good joke on the net.
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  #487  
Old 05-15-2009, 05:18 PM
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yestogc has a spectacular aura about yestogc has a spectacular aura about yestogc has a spectacular aura about
Default

A Chinese man files for divorce
Judge: What's the reason?
Chinese: Me no come, she no come, baby come, how come
Judge: May be side income
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  #488  
Old 05-16-2009, 09:29 PM
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antihero is infamous around these parts antihero is infamous around these parts antihero is infamous around these parts antihero is infamous around these parts antihero is infamous around these parts antihero is infamous around these parts antihero is infamous around these parts antihero is infamous around these parts antihero is infamous around these parts antihero is infamous around these parts
Default Lame..

It was totally lame.

South park sucks when it goes all pseudo religious and starts preaching. I like the episodes which are unadulteratedly vulgar, or are the ones where Cartman tops his own record in grossing out people.

Try these two .. my favorites..

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/103199
http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/103946


Quote:
Originally Posted by sanju View Post
This is the best ever South Park. You got to be kidding me if you don't enjoy this one.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/220760

Good stuff!


.
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  #489  
Old 05-19-2009, 03:51 PM
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guchi472000 is a jewel in the rough guchi472000 is a jewel in the rough guchi472000 is a jewel in the rough guchi472000 is a jewel in the rough
Smile Enjoy

What will a mallu reply when asked "Are there any mosquitoes
in your house?
Plendy


Why did the Malayalee crossed the road?
Simbly.


What does a Mallu do to run for elections in Hongkong?
Change his name from Thankachan to Than Ka Chan


Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral?
Four to carry the coffin, one to carry the two-in-one.


How does a Malayalee travel in Chembur?
BY ODO

Where did the malayalee study?
In the kollage.

What did the Malayalee do when the plane caught fire?
He JEMBED out of the VINDOW...


Why did he go to Rome?
To hear POPE music..

What processor does a Mallu have in his PC?
A Pendium

What does a Mallu do to run for elections in Hongkong?
Change his name from Thankachan to Than Ka Chan.

What does a Mallu do to run for elections in England?
Change his name from Vaideswaran to Vaides Waran.

What will a mallu reply when asked "Are there any mosquitoes in your house?
Plendy


What will a mallu reply when asked "Are there any mosquitoes in your house?
Plendy

Why did the Malayalee crossed the road?
Simbly.

Where did the malayalee study?
In the kollage.

What did the Malayalee do when the plane caught fire?
He JEMBED out of the VINDOW...

Why did he go to Rome?
To hear POPE music..

Why did the Malayalee cross the road?
To join the union on the other side.

What does a Malayalee do when he has to stand for election in Delhi?
He changes his name. Madhavan to M A DHAWAN.

What does a Malayalee do to stand for elections in New York?
He changes his name. Karunakaran to KEVIN CURREN

What would you call a Mallu martial arts expert?
A MalayaLEE


Why does a Malayalee go to a temple?
Zimply to Bray.

How does a baby mallu cry?
"visa visa visa visa . . ."

Why did the Malayalee buy an air ticket?
To go to DUBAIH ..simbly to meet his UNGLE and AUNDY in GELF.

Who was Bruce Lee's best friend in Malayasia?
Malaya LEE

How does a malayalee spell Malayalam?
YAMM - YAY - YELL - YAY - WHY - YAY - YELL -YUMM.

What did the Mallu scientist do on reaching the moon?
He tested the soil if it was fit to plant tapioca.

Why do Mallus wear Mundu?
Because in the Monsoon flood the mundu can be tucked upwards as the water rises.

What happens when a bakery in Kerala is named after a gerrl called Anu?
Its named 'Anus Bakery'.

Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

What is the tax on Mallu's income called?
IngumDax

What is Malayali management graduate called?
A Yem Bee Yae.
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  #490  
Old 05-19-2009, 06:52 PM
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looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute looivy has a reputation beyond repute
Default Check out this funny Homer Simpson video

http://blogs.ilw.com/gregsiskind/200...minutemen.html
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  #491  
Old 05-19-2009, 07:11 PM
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Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future Legal has a brilliant future
Talking Entertainment package Vs Operating System

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy


Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,


____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
__________________
----------------------------------------------If my post has been helpful, please consider contributing to immigrationvoice. It will help us continue this effort and serve the community. Thank you.

Last edited by Legal; 05-19-2009 at 07:15 PM.
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  #492  
Old 05-19-2009, 07:30 PM
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sk2006 View Post
After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”
Sorry, I couldn't get this joke.....
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  #493  
Old 05-19-2009, 07:34 PM
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Marphad is infamous around these parts Marphad is infamous around these parts Marphad is infamous around these parts Marphad is infamous around these parts
Default Mr. Nene (nothing to do with Madhuri)

Mister Nene, his wife and his son were returning by train to home in Maharastra after taking a trip of South India. Mister Nene was occupying the lower berth, his wife had the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train.

When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way, the son requested his father to buy him a cup of ice cream to which he readily agreed and got off the train. When they returned, they found that a Gujju bhai who couldn't understand Hindi or Marathi had occupied his son's berth.
Outraged, Mister Nene called the TT and asked him to help. TT was a South Indian who stated that he could not understand Hindi, Marathi or Gujarati so it would be better if Mister Nene explained the whole situation to him in English.
So Mr. Nene explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."
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  #494  
Old 05-19-2009, 07:34 PM
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Marphad is infamous around these parts Marphad is infamous around these parts Marphad is infamous around these parts Marphad is infamous around these parts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gcisadawg View Post
Sorry, I couldn't get this joke.....
Come on! Ever happened to you when there are no tissues in toilet
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  #495  
Old 05-20-2009, 04:44 PM
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Default Santa strikes again

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Santa: Any great man born in this village???
Santa: no sir, only small Babies!!!

Santa: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Santa: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.


Santa: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Santa: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Santa: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Santa: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- “1 Miss Call".

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Santa to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Santa: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.

Santa attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Santa: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Santa in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay .... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Santa: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"

Santa got a sms from his girl friend:
"I MISS YOU"
Santaji replied:
"I Mr YOU" !!.

Santa: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 Months Ago
Dr: Wat were u doing till now?
Santa: We were using duplicate key
Dr: So why did you come today?
Santa: We lost the duplicate key!!

Haste raho…..
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